So I just went through....okay its just me and you
...I am still going through a break up . Of course there are levels to this sh%it ! It's been fifty'llem years since I've had one !It still brings back all the anxiety , anger, and eagerness to binge watch all the Twilight movies . It also doesn't help when its late at night and you go through the TikTok videos .
Government I know your ass is always listening but damnit, why you gotta put all the healing/breakup stories ON MY ENTIRE FOR YOU. What the hell, I am already miserable and not going to sleep let me get the flashlight to go meet the rabbit in the hole..The more I watch the more fascinated I am comparing quotes to actions of my past lover.
Like" damn she went through that too? "
So I am already in a rage when I wake up , going to work, and only calm when I make it home to shower, get back in mixed matched pajamas, and hop back on to the break up ,loser chronicles. I even decided to unblock and text my former lover to tell them they they are a narc, a manipulator, and lack the capability to love.Then block them .
I know... I know...
It felt good at the moment and I even added a Harley Quinn GIF to add some razzle dazzle.
That was a bad idea and wasn't received well (that's coming in the next blog )
All the therapy over 10 years and I just knew that I was handling everything right . No contact. Not speaking when angry. Everything doesn't need to be spoken. Appreciate the time and accept the loss. But ...wait !
Why the hell did this post on narcissism sound like me ?
Just 2 things stood out ... preoccupation with the perfect mate: I will always be the single ,auntie whose style is impeccable and the only dates I have are with myself ...until I find the one for me. In multiple therapy sessions I always spoke on how I wanted to HER to find me and the grocery store, not eat my gelato, attend PRIDE together , I want her to cook etc...
I have been single for years and was happy ..well my defenses said I was damnit !
Secondly,unrealistic expectations of others. I am always hard on myself when I lose a lover because in my mind...the mission is to be single forever until one has proven themselves. Hear me out !
I never used to have boundaries. I mean ever. You approached me ...I will just say okay and I eventually ended up thinking you are just a peach . When really your are the worst , spoiled fruit that they misplaced from the reduced rack .
I digress.
My last lover impressed me by showing me that relationships aren't always rainbows. No one thinks like me so I cant be upset every time they react . That's the beauty of getting to know someone or dating you get to experience others.. sometimes for the first time because not everyone will share themselves. I have a bad way of making comparisons. Whether its avoiding heartache from 2012 or not being cheated on ..if any ounce of energy reminds me of any of the trauma/drama I immediately bow out .
PTSD has been my parasitic twin that I have grown to accept.
That twin has also had me ALONE the last 10 years.
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